It’s been hard lately. Not in any particular way, but in all of the ways at once. I’m feeling very disconnected from the universe and from myself and everything around me. It’s a strange feeling and one I don’t really like.

It’s hard to strike a balance between self care and doing what needs to be done and I’ve definitely been struggling to straddle that line appropriately.

Ironically, the harder times are when I find it even more difficult to lean into my spiritual side. Probably stems from the fact that I like to avoid dealing with feelings and hard stuff and doing anything that feels spiritual at all ends up touching on those things. So I just avoid it, even though I know it’ll make me feel better in the end.

In my therapy session yesterday we talked about why I do this kind of thing, and I’m currently trying to work on finding some new coping mechanisms. Writing is my fallback in every situation, but it’s not necessarily good to just have one coping strategy. So I need to build a toolbox of things that I can do to help myself when needed.

This feeling of disconnect, though, is difficult to bypass. I guess its something I’m going to need to force a little until I start to really connect with the world around me again. At least, that’s the only thing that makes sense.

Anyways, this weekend is Litha, or the Summer Solstice, and I’m planning to try and do… something… that will hopefully get me back on track a little more. A ritual, dance, something or other. We’ll see. Next week I’ll talk some more about what that looked like and how I felt afterwards!

The chaos of the world right now is intense. I’ve chosen to stay away from Facebook for the most part because my anxiety spikes every time I even try to look at it. My Instagram feed is so much more wholesome and positive right now.

Having a baby who doesn’t really like sleeping right now, plus being somewhat shy about witch things around my husband, even though he’s super supportive, means it’s been hard lately to make time for even the most basic of rituals. Some of it is just me being lazy and some of it is just a mental block. All of it is hard right now.

Sometimes I don’t know why I do this. Today is April 1st, so I tried to draw a tarot card this morning that would kind of help guide me for this month. And I drew The Sun, a very positive card and one that I generally really like. But today it kind of annoyed me. I know my deck was trying to tell me something but I don’t want to hear it right now. I don’t want to focus on the joy and the good things. I want to have a good cry and be pitiful for a bit. But that’s also something that is hard to allow myself to do.

I’m trying to really stick with my little rituals… the tarot card in the mornings, the stirring of my coffee, the little blessings I can say as I drive, just appreciating the beautiful day when I’m able to ride my horse (still practicing safe social distancing though), taking a cleansing shower, etc, etc. But even those have been super difficult lately. It’s tough. But maybe this is the only way I can do magic right now. My energy is so sapped that it’s hard to even think about doing a bigger ritual.

After having done practically nothing particularly magical in March, I wanted to actually do something again for the full moon, which is next Tuesday. But I know I’ll likely be lazy and just spend the evening on the couch and just peek out at the moon.

Even so, I want to try and plan something… even if it’s a tiny something, like a bath to help me recharge and a quick walk outside to speak to the moon and draw from her energy. And I don’t want to cave to my desire to do nothing once that moment is actually here because even if it takes a tiny bit of effort to draw a bath, I know how much better I would feel.

Little things, things that are rejuvenating, etc. Those are the things we need to be doing right now.